How to Help a Friend

The following are tips for helping someone you care about (whether a classmate, friend, relative, etc.) deal with inappropriate conduct.  Or, if you are the person experiencing misconduct, the following may be helpful for you to print out and give to people who care about you.

What to say (or not say) to a person who has experienced misconduct: 

DON’T blame the victim or start listing off reasons why they may have deserved the behavior.  They are likely being bombarded by this already; it isn’t helpful or healthful for the person, and it takes the focus off the inappropriate nature of the behavior they experienced.

Do listen.  Often.  The less the person feels believed or able to cope with the situation, the more they may need to tell their story in search of someone who won’t hurt them.

DO allow the person to make their own decisions.

DON’T place any extra burdens or worries on the person about what might happen (projecting your own anxieties or paranoias), unless they are asking you to help brainstorm pros and cons in making a decision.  They already have enough to deal with.

DO help with tasks that need doing to bring the situation to a safe and healthy closure for the person.  This might include helping them to prepare their written statements, rehearsing meetings and interviews, accompanying them to meetings, and being available after meetings to ‘debrief’ or ‘process.’  These tasks often seem overwhelming. 

DO help the person document a situation if something happens.  If they are recounting events that they find distressing, ask if you can write it down as they go so they have a record of events.  This will be extremely helpful to them if they need to file a formal complaint.

DO help with other tasks in the person’s life during this time.  Offer to cook, bring treats, or even do some light housekeeping.  A grievance process is exhausting and the person may be experiencing real feelings of grief and trauma.  They may not feel able to keep ‘on top of it all.’

DO be honest, albeit tactful, at all times.  The person has probably already been lied to by people she or he should have been able to trust.  Be also honest about your limits as needed.

DO be cognizant of power dynamics in a situation.  DON’T add additional feelings of guilt and shame by saying that the person probably could have stopped a misconduct situation from happening.

DO keep the person from becoming isolated.  Check in as often as you are able, and encourage other friends to do the same.  A person who has experienced misconduct is extremely vulnerable to scapegoating, isolation, and can be at-risk for suicide.  Do not overreach their boundaries, but be available and observant.  Make sure they know they are loved, even on a daily basis.